she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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