Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
