i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
