I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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