found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
