I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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