I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
