brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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