i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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