Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
