Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
