When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
