textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
