paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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