Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
