I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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