I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
