Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
