My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Randomize
