He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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