I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
