she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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