Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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