cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
