My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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