bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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