I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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