it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
