Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
