New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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