I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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