life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
