So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
