Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
