STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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