Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
