dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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