my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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