After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
