i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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