toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
