Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
