Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
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Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
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I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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