My balls are so social today.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
