Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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