u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Jerry, you need to find god
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
