Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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