Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
