PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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