just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
