dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
