My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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