youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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