Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
