Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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