I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
