If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
