its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
