there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
